Obsession

1

I was sitting in the bar, drinking, drinking heavily. My life was a mess. I saw no joy in life. The bar was full of various types of scumbags. Scumbag here, scumbag there, the usual.

The barman came to me and asked me what I want to drink. I said two shots of whiskey. Whiskey sure isn’t my favorite drink, but I’ll make it count.

Barman was fast with my order. It took him half a minute to fulfill my order. I liked the guy, he had a great beard, better than mine. I was envious. 

I took a shot of whiskey, man, this whiskey isn’t that bad. Usually whiskey makes me puke but not today. Today was a lucky day.

I took another shot of whiskey and felt whiskey rushing in my brain. The more whiskey I’ll have – the better I’ll sleep. Because without alcohol I can’t sleep at all. I can’t admit that I’m an alcoholic but what else to do with life?

Haven’t slept for few nights. Insomnia has kicked in. Gotta kill it with whiskey.

Life runs fucking fast. I’m 30 years old and haven’t noticed how old I’ve got and I’m getting older.

People say that misery loves company but I didn’t have any company. I was miserable by myself. From discussions with myself I realized that I’m a talkative person. 

After I finished my third shot of whiskey the barman put a newspaper near me. At first I hesitated to open it. Because I hate reading the news, the news is like always – garbage.

Few scumbags left the bar. It became more quiet. Less white noise. Do you believe scumbags have got good news? Of course not – good news is bad news.

Life is worse than bad. Let’s not get into talk about shemales and gay men, I have nothing against them but please don’t bother me with that kinky shit.

If life’s bad – what’s after life? Heaven? Don’t be fucking ridiculous, heaven. Heaven is a big pile of assholes in one place. Dinosaurs, honey pigs and dead astronauts. Maybe even Hitler, no fuck Hitler, he’s is in hell. Hitler did one good thing, though, he shot himself.

If Hitler is in hell then World War 2 is still going on.

I ordered another shot of whiskey, this time with ice. It’s the last one I’m getting before night’s sleep.

I took the shot.

Now I’m good. I took the newspaper with me, I don’t believe these scumbags will read it anyway.

2

I walked the narrow street. I saw a homeless man, he begged for change and alcohol. These homeless men are either mentally ill or alcoholics. I said to the man that I have no alcohol but can spare a couple of bucks. At this time all alcohol shops are closed, he sure won’t get his dose tonight. I believe he was high or something, he acted very strange. I moved forward despite distraction.

I was fucking glad that it’s not raining outside. My roof is ten minutes from the bar. I know this neighborhood good. Back when I was in my 20s had a lot of fights here. Some fights I won, Some I lost. I lost more than I won. Just like gambling. You lose more than you win.

As I was walking along the street I noticed dog’s shit besides my house. I’m living in a five storey apartment building and some motherfuckers have dogs. I hate dogs, I hate cats, I hate animals. Animals are food. I would eat a dog if I was Chinese. Dogs are stupid animals, they eat shit. Sometimes their own shit. I remember when I was a kid, I had a cat and my grandfather gave a dog to watch over. The dog, as soon as it entered my house found my cats shit and ate it. My grandfather gave me cash so I would buy some pedigree. But since the dog was full, I spent that cash on smokes.

I lit up a cigarillo. Stayed for a while near my house, watched dog’s shit degenerate and turn into gray dust. Gray dust that mixed with my cigarillo smoke. I finished smoking and threw away the cigarillo butt into the trash can. I entered the apartment.

3

I put the newspaper on my desk and went to wash myself. I needed to wash all that shame. I smelt disgusting. My life isn’t one of the good ones. My life, at this point was terrible. I had no job, no hobby – nothing although I was a detective all my life.

Life without work is miserable. You just sit indoors and do nothing. I’m just glad I have some money in my pocket from the last deal.

I washed all my shame and went to bed.

I haven’t slept for a few nights and I was tempting to get a good night’s sleep.

Various thoughts rushed through my head. I knew that my future won’t be a blast. I knew that I’ll end up being homeless. Deep inside my soul I didn’t want to work. In fact, I didn’t want to do anything. The thoughts kept rushing for over an hour and then I turned off.

4

I woke up all in piss. Man I hate these days when my dick can’t hold the piss. Despite the fact. I had a good night’s sleep. I had to go wash myself again. I hate washing myself but what else can I do? I don’t want to be a walking piss.

I went to wash myself. I filled the bath with hot water and laid there for an hour. Again, thoughts kept rushing through my head. I was afraid of the future. I firmly didn’t know what the future holds but I had a hunch. 

After I washed myself. I went to the table to read the newspaper and I found this girl was gone without any notice. This made be interested. Because I said. I had no work to do.

5

The girl got missing and that made me interested since I’m a detective. Her name was Alice. I bet she’s alive. I have a hunch which is most of the time wrong. Maybe she’s alive, maybe she’s dead. Only god knows but I’m not god, neither the devil.

There, on the newspaper, was the phone of her parents. I called, one of the parents said she was adopted when she was 5 years old. How old is she now? – I asked. She’s 21 – he, the parent, said. And you are? – he asked me sincerely. Me? – I asked. Yeah you! – he repeated his question sincerely. I said – Sorry for not introducing myself, my name is Tom Phillips. Phillips? Like the company? – he asked with a grin on his face. I felt that grin over the phone. Yes, sir. Like the company. – I approved. And you are? – I asked. Jonathan Smith – he replied, sincerely.

Jonathan Smith is Alice named Smith also. Alice Smith? – I asked. No, her full name is Alice Swiss – Mr Smith said. Do you know where the real parents of Alice are? – I asked, once again. Strike two for me. No I don’t – he replied, again.

Okay Smith, I’m going to call you later, maybe we can meet up. – I said. He replied that he’s fine with meeting up.

I opened a can of beer. Chugged it nicely. And was finally happy, because I had something to do. Not the usual crap. Go there, pick that up, bring back. I’m fed up with that stuff. Missing people interest me a lot. 

I opened another can of beer. I smashed it into my face and it was delicious. Beer sure tastes good after whiskey. I have to admit – I’m an alcoholic. I love to drink. I enjoy drinking a lot. Don’t say that to your kids. I’m glad I don’t have kids. Kids are small brainless rats who always piss me off. I’m happy while being alone. Sure a wife which you can always fuck would be nice. But sex on demand – is a rare thing, she always tells me that she has a headache. She, which I don’t have.

The beer has uplifted me. It boosted my mood. Because I was without mood for many days. You know what kinda mood can you have when your life is crap. The usual – no mood. In capitalism you gotta worry about your sales – ya’ man. 

So the story goes forward. 

6

I met up with Jonathan Smith, he’s a tall guy with no beard – what a pussy. But you can’t say that to your future client – can you? We started chatting. I told him that I’m a detective looking to be hired. If you want your girl to be found alive or dead – you can hire me – I told peacefully. Tom – he said – I have to discuss it with my wife Rebecca. Is she Smith? – I asked politely. Yeah – he said – she sure is Smith, we married when we adopted Alice, Rebecca didn’t want her own children. I see – I told with respect. Poor woman can’t have kids, that’s lame. I would love this wife – she can’t have kids and I’m a guy who doesn’t want kids. Perfect couple. I would fuck Rebecca all night long. Fuck my insomnia. Why sleep? When you can fuck!

Deep inside I was a nasty motherfucker. I didn’t fuck my mother, she didn’t let me but if she did – I would fuck her, she’s a nice lady. Tall and slim – just the way I like.

I told Jonathan to get back to me, when he’s done discussing with his wife. He told me that he’ll be in touch.

I went back home. Opened one more can of beer. To boost my self esteem. Gotta drink a lot if you’re an alcoholic like me. Chug that beer, motherfucker, chug.

It was late in the evening. I went to the bar to drink some vodka.

Ordered 100g of vodka. Two sips and it’s gone. I ordered another 100g. Two sips and it’s gone.

I felt blessed. Finally I had an occupation which I like. Missing people interest me.

7

I walked back home from the bar. And some dude punched me in the face from out of nowhere. I punched back. And kicked his head with my leg. He threw another punch and knocked me out.

For a moment it was black. My consciousness has turned off.

I woke up in a dark basement. I didn’t know where the light switch was. My head hurt, the head was cracked. And I touched the wall to find the light switch but with no luck. It was only me and the dark basement. I stood up.

Started walking around and slipped on something that was corpse-like. Is it Alice? It can’t be her but with lights turned off I didn’t recognize. But I was sure it was a corpse. I started touching the corpse and it appeared to be a dead pig. I’m glad that’s not Alice. Somehow I found the light’s switch. Yeah, sure it’s a dead pig. I appeared to be in some sort of slaughterhouse. The smell told it all, the corpse has started to rot. The smell told it all…

8

I found the door. It was jammed. And suddenly the light bulb went off. It was pitch black. I knocked on the door with my food and it broke. The fucking Japanese guys don’t know how to make doors. The lock was made in Japan. I knew it. Japanese make crap.

I went outside. It was night time. I had to find that motherfucker who knocked me out. But my head was cracked. I went to the public phone and called the ambulance. The ambulance came with police, they wanted me to explain things but I told that I’m not in condition to explain things.

I really was drunk, and could remember the face that punched me. I remembered only the smell of rotting pig.

9

The ambulance brought me to the clinic, they stitched me up and I was fine. I called the taxi and ordered a drive by near the bar. We drove near the bar, but nobody was there. When a person punches me – I want to know why! People say you can’t get punched for no reason, so there must be a reason – why the hell he punched me and dragged my to the slaughterhouse. 

My mood? I’m mad. And disappointed. 

The cab driver brought me home. I barely walked to my apartment. 

As soon as I came back home I instantly turned off.

Slept poorly – have to admit.