Negative toxic pessimist.

It’s soon my 31th birthday on 08.24.

Over the years I became negative and toxic and a real pessimist.

I just don’t know how I became so sad with my life.

I had dreams, that I will make money blogging, but when I’ve tried – nothing really worked.

I realized that years go by and my body starts to degenerate little by little. I don’t have 7 teeth.

Life gets harder every year. My health isn’t as it used to be back 10 years.

Over 10 years period I started to smoke, didn’t quit drinking. Sat on my laptop. You can call me a nolifer, I just don’t play games.

I became very negative, because in life nothing ever works. I’ve tried so many things and none of them worked.

I played guitar, composed music, did webcam vlogs, cracked jokes, played a synth, wrote a blog, went to the gym, wrote few eBooks, did viral videos, was employed – nothing worked.

Now I’m fed up with trying something new.

I know things won’t work out as they should. Sure when I’m doing something I have expectations. It’s better to do something because you enjoy, not because you have to. I know I should drop my expectations.

You get very disappointed when you have expectations.

I know I’ll die from lung cancer. Back in the day I thought that I’ll die from heart failure, because I have a heart disease from childhood. Then I got struck with paranoid schizophrenia, then I thought I’ll go insane after few years. But nothing happened.

But anyway. Capitalism makes me scared for my future. My mom dies and it’s GG for me.

Now I have a dog, she cheers me up. But I’m too lazy to go out with her in the morning. I sleep until 12-15 o’clock.

Nothing works in life, does it?

I became so negative, that I noticed that every year my life gets worse, not better. Everything goes to shit. Nothing came as I planned.

I didn’t plan this life, back in the day as was more active, now I just sleep and lurk online.

I have no interesting stories to tell. The last 10 years I’ve spend at home and in mental hospital. It’s 6 years I’m sick with schizophrenia.

I kinda don’t feel my disease. I just don’t see the point of doing something. I’m depressed, cashless and I just don’t know how my life will turn out.

I had very big ambitions to be a writer, but as I grew up. I realized nobody likes what I write. Well, maybe some people like.

During these years I became so sad with my life. Drugs don’t solve my social issues. Only money can solve problems, but I don’t want to work. I want to blog.

Whenever I go to the job portal. I see jobs that simply don’t interest me.

I realized I have no solid skills. I just don’t know how to do anything.

I skipped school, was hoping that someday I’ll be a billionaire. But life didn’t work out as I planned. I know that by working you won’t have a billion bucks – nobody has. Most people are bums, because making money is hard.

I noticed that successful people have a lot of friends and their lives are completely different. They spend time in different ways.

Sure having friends is great, you can make cool things with friends. But when you’re alone – you are destined to failure. Today teams win. Simple people like me – lose.

I know that my life is better than most peoples. But still I’m depressed because I want more from life. I just don’t know how to get it. I wish I was a native American – it would be easier for me.

I know a lot of general things, but I didn’t specialize in anything. Now I’m just an useless generalist. I believed that someday I would lead big groups of people to victory. But I have nothing to show.

My pocket is empty, I just get my disability paycheck.

Imagine, I was hoping that I’ll be a billionaire, while I don’t even know how to earn a dollar… It’s both funny and ridiculous.

How do people make money. When I write articles for other people I instantly get 15€ per 500 words, but when I write for myself – nothing really works. You can’t save money which you don’t have.

Many people believe I’m a joke, but during 30 years I haven’t found a job which I like. I never worked. Don’t know why. I’ve read rich dad, poor dad. And rich dad told me that he wouldn’t work on something he didn’t own.

The truth is that most people will have to work for somebody else. I’ll work when my mom dies – maybe, if I’ll don’t die first.

The future scares the shit out of me. My days, all of them, are the same.

I came to this world as a reject. All people reject me. I got used to this.

People don’t buy my shit, people don’t enjoy my craft, and people don’t want to work with me.

Back in the day I wanted to work, but numerous failed attempts and job loss made me realize I don’t want to work for anybody.

How these bloggers make 10000$ per month. I just don’t know.

Nobody wants to tell the secret to wealth.

It’s not enough to be human, it’s not enough to be a good person.

I used to give everything away. And now I don’t have anything.

I don’t want to depend on some employer. All employers would kick me out. It’s just the way I’m built. I don’t want to depend on people.

But where ever I look I see people depending on people. People choose themselves what they like, what they enjoy, what they read and watch and people choose themselves to whom give their money.

I was born in CCCP, I don’t want to sell anything because I can’t produce anything.

People have took away my resources and now I’m just like everybody else. I have to pay for everything. Even to catch a fish – you have to buy a ticket.

When I was a kid. I thought that I’m special. I always wanted to be a singer, an entertainer, a person of high worth. But look at me – I’m a joke. I have nothing to show. I have no achievements.

Reality has crushed me, but I don’t want to give up yet.

I’ll just try to be a blogger, maybe some people will connect with me.

I’m not this guy, who’ll kiss your ass for a couple bucks. Most successful people – all they do is kiss ass and tell fairy tales that we can be successful, rich and famous.

I’ve tried so many things, that I thought I would like. And now all it’s left is to bleed on a piece of page.

Life fucked me through the ass. I’m fucked.

Back in the day I heard a saying: “Live on your own terms.“, but it appears that other people determine how you’ll live.

You can’t do anything alone.

All I want is to be loved by people. But deep down inside I don’t love anybody for giving me a harsh time.

Life just happens to you, you can’t build anything from life.

What are my options? To start working and get those 400€? It’s a joke, man. To go again to the gym? This isn’t something I want.

There aren’t enough options.

Disabled people are disabled people and they get life harder than those who are healthy.

My game is pay to win. Free to lose.

Everybody wants to be successful, but success is rare. What the fuck we are doing wrong? What’s the problem with all these people?

I hate you as much as you hate me. Thanks for reading.

There isn’t enough sincere people. Most people don’t care about us, you and me. Everybody’s looking how to survive.

I’ve spend most of my time philosophizing. And came to conclusion that philosophy is useless. Philosophers can’t change a light bulb.

Sometimes I wish I could command life and reality, but that’s not the way everything works. Reality commands you. Sure you can do some influence here and there.

Maybe we all are just too dumb to be rich. To have wonderful careers, to live our dreams.

I don’t have any patience and persistence to continue this shit. It’s been years and years of fruitless work. I should reap what I sow. But that’s not the way life works.

During my life I made mistakes. But I don’t regret anything. I always picked the easy way. To sleep, to be lazy, to not work. And now my life is mentally hard. Because I just don’t know what the future holds for me.

I even failed to be a writer. The thing I loved the most – I failed and keep failing. I wish I could fail my way to success.

I’m not afraid of failure due to fact because I was failing all the time. As I said – nothing ever worked for me.

Life goes forward. And little by little I keep degrading. I no longer progress in life. The only thing which does progress is my blog. It moves forward day by day, step by step.

I want more from life, but everything I know is conflicting with reality. Reality isn’t as I’ve imagined. After I was diagnosed with schizophrenia I realized life works on autopilot. Nobody controls people, they control themselves. The system controls them all. That’s why I say that we live in the matrix.

Life could give me more, but I doubt I deserve it. I’m not a salesman, I won’t pitch you anything.

I always wanted more. More fame, more money, more friends, more of the good stuff. Now I envy those rich bastards who showoff their money in their videos. Their luxury cars, their jets.

I just don’t know how to get that. If I knew how. I would be rich.

People say save up 100€ and put it in a mutual fund. And by 65 you’ll be a millionaire. But I want to live now. Not when I’m 65.

I know how money works, but I don’t accumulate any.

But you could say I know Jack’s shit about money. That’s why I’m poor.

I just don’t get the point of working, why work hard, when you can work easy? Aren’t there easy jobs which pay even more than jobs where you have to grind hard?

Fuck work. If bitches can suck dick and earn good income that means you can do anything you want in life.

I choose to be a blogger and now I have to fucking think how to get me some dollars, but I don’t want to be in sales. My ideas are conflicting.

Who’s gonna pay me from their generosity?

Life happened to me and I got crushed. So many time generating ideas which I couldn’t fulfill. So much time testing and trying various schemes. And nothing worked.

What’s my life about? Why I’m not joyful like those motherfuckers who showoff jets and women and mansions?

There must be a secret, somewhere. Why some people have nothing, despite the effort, while some have everything?

We all have the same amount of time, I wish I could buy more time, more hands, more writers and create something decent. But now – nobody wants to work with me and nobody buys my shit.

I always wanted to earn online. Because I live in a cheap ass country where there are no opportunities. I don’t want to travel abroad to work in some fucking factory.

I’ve read thousands of stories where people claim earning money from the comfort of their home. I want that. That’s a great story but I keep wishing for it. I keep grinding and nothing works. Ever.

I’m fed up failing. I wish my failures would end. I wish I would find a fucking gold mine and then suddenly I would become a positive optimist and would bullshit other people, how it easy it is to be successful – you just have to fail until you win.