Now I’m just sitting at home and do nothing apart from writing this blog. My life became more or less boring. I have no mood to go and have fun. The cinemas don’t interest me, the bars, the theatres, the concerts, the nothing – it doesn’t interest me.
I kinda became a hikikomori. I totally withdrawn from society. Sometimes I go to my grandmother, but usually I’m sitting at home and lurking online. Because nothing interests me any longer.
I was an interesting guy, had a job, had a girlfriend, wrote my first book which wasn’t published because I had a nervous break down during writing.
But before my breakdown. I used to go to theatres, cinemas, restaurants, was traveling a bit. My life was more interesting.
But seven years ago I got struck by a disease which killed all my motivation. I barely can cope with it. It’s bearable, but it’s hard in the psyche.
My motivation is dead. There’s barely a thing that interests me apart from writing this blog and drinking alcohol, smoking cigarillos. I seek salvation but the alcohol doesn’t help, it makes things worse. There’s no high from cigarillos. I wish I could quit but whatever.
I know that pills won’t solve my problems but what choice do I have? I can’t quit medication otherwise I will have a psychotic break once again. So I’m stuck on pills. ‘The Meds’.
I can’t say I’m feeling great. I’m depressed and anxious, looking for interesting things. Sure my life would be better if I had some extra cash. Without money it’s not interesting – ya’ know.
Now I’m just sick, can’t pretend to be healthy.