Yesterday my brother was drinking. I’ve locked my rooms door and he was trying to get in. Anyway I was sleeping, didn’t bother to open the door.
I don’t like him when he’s drunk.
Today I woke up, having this great feeling that life is going to give me something in the end, but I started doubting. Why can’t life give you what you need from the start?
Anyway the day started fine. My friend should come over, then another friend was talking that he might come over.
I don’t know where my life is going. Youtube started feeling like an addiction. I just had to post a video. I think I was sick with video posting. Now I’m glad I’m okay.
Yesterday I was at my grandfather’s house. We put up the curtains, actually he was doing all the work. I just had to lift up the vacuum cleaner and hold those curtains up.
We drank tea, we ate a cake, we ate some sandwiches.
I walked through all the city by foot. My legs we’re hurting. But I’m glad I did the walk. I needed a walk because yesterday was a bad day with a bad mood. I was insane. I had so much anger, disappointment, despair. I even talked with a psychologist over the phone but unfortunately the psychologist didn’t tell me much. She just told me to try, to not give up and to take a break from everything.
I’m just done trying. I’m fed of trying to be someone who I’m not. I’m done trying to please people. Can you imagine 1500 videos, got just few views. I realized that people don’t care and don’t like me. I cried about it. Yesterday really was a bad day emotionally, not physically. Day after yesterday was bad physically.
I hate being sick with paranoid schizophrenia. I’m done with all these matrices. I’m done proving things to people, if they don’t want to listen – why then I should spend my time creating. Why talk when only view people care?
In general I have a lot of questions about life and answering them is really hard. Many of my questions question my sanity. Am I sane or am I insane?
After my first psychosis I told my brother that I won’t be the same again, because during my psychosis I had an instant personality change which changed me to worse or better – I don’t know.
I started to see, that I don’t know a lot of things and noticed that we’re all surrounded by idiots. People who are ignorant and don’t care. The only thing they care is their job, relationships and sports.
People are in fact ignorant and don’t care about others. We are for ourselves, there is no support from folks. Just some likes and some shares.
My dick’s photo leaked to hands of basterds.
Over the course of 5 to 6 years of doing Youtube I noticed that people love farts and dicks and nothing serious. That’s why they call them dickheads. People who’s minds are full of dicks.
I noticed that people don’t like each other, there’s a lot of hate going on.
i know there are people who feel like aliens on this planet, because all the folks outdoors are insane. There’s so much insanity going on in the world that it can drive any sane man to insanity.
People are disgusting creatures because they poison each other instead of supporting each other.
I’ve done with hope that people care – nobody does. A person only cares about his own life, if he does care at all.
Nobody sees the big picture, a picture which is disgusting. That’s why I say we live in our own little matrix, everybody has a matrix. It’s his own personal matrix by which things are going. You just can’t break or hack the matrix, because the matrix hacks and breaks you – all the time.
When you start thinking about the cosmos, you’ll go insane. Because thoughts will go wild on you. After spending lots of time while doing nothing. I realized that people need jobs otherwise they will bombard their heads with all these nonsense questions about the cosmos and the purpose of reality and etc.
For all the aliens I’ll say that you are not alone, because deep down my throat I feel alienated. There is something wrong with the world I just can’t grasp it. The world itself is strange, probably because I was expecting it to be a nice place, while in fact it’s a shithole. There are sick fucks all over the streets. All these alcoholics, junkies, necrophiles, pedophiles and gay men, lesbians. The world is full of disgust. Things that contradict my values. But should I doubt my values? Maybe something is wrong with my values. If people value disgust, they will be living in a disgusting world. Period.