I can’t do it.

I was writing an English detective. But after I wrote couple of pages. I ended up deleting it – because let’s admit it – it was garbage.

I just keep writing garbage. Recently started to hate my own work. I believe all my work is garbage.

Then I took a look at some creative writing courses, but man nah. Nobody’s going to teach you how to write. Nobody will teach you to be popular.

Writing is mostly misery. Bukowski said – don’t force your writing because when it chooses to happen it will happen by itself.

Now i’m good writing blog posts.

Because I know what would happen if I wrote an English detective – it would have barely any sales. Not because it’s bad but because I have no audience.

Seth Godin told that you need to market a book 3 years before it’s published. 3 years is a long period of time.

Anyway, since I don’t like reading books I probably shouldn’t write any.

My books are long pieces of junk. Some people say they like them but now I just don’t have any inspiration to write books.

When I wrote kas yra garetas, it was easy – words just came out by themselves. I didn’t have to sit and think words. The next book. Trys drambliai was harder to write and now I’m done.

I won’t write any books unless my blog reaches 1000 daily traffic. Then I would know that people love what I’m writing.

Now when I get no traffic to my blog, just those 10 guys daily. I’m glad but for a writer it’s not enough. I don’t want to write a book and get one sale. Because it’s not worth the writing.

My plan for now would be like this. I keep on writing my blog and when I reach a steady great number of visitors, then I will write a book.

I hope you guys can understand me.

Writing is easy when it’s short but when it becomes long it’s really hard for me to keep on a scenario.

Personally I think it like this. If I’m not reading any books – I shouldn’t write any books. Because I have no fucking clue what sells and what does not.

If I’m reading blogs – then I should write blogs.

Short format is way easier than long format. I know this because I’m writing already for many years. People keep saying that it’s easy to write a book. But man it’s hard for me. I just can’t do it.

Writing used to be easy when I just started. I’ve written more than thousand articles online and I know that writing blog posts and articles is way easier and it suits me.

During my life I wrote 3 books. Some of them I’m ashamed of.

I just wanted to note that if a book won’t pop out by itself. I’m not writing one. Because I know that books can pop out by themselves.

I’m not Stephen King. I don’t write good books but anyway even when Stephen King writes a book I won’t read it because for me reading is boring. I used to love a good book, but now after my paranoid schizophrenia I hate reading.

Books take a lot of time to read and to write. Even when I tuned to Fight Club audiobook I couldn’t listen to it. Because it boring. If we’re speaking about art – I love music. I spend my days listening to music and I love music because I can’t create music.

And you know what else. If I would love reading I wouldn’t be writing. Because producing is very hard. Imagine you listen to tunes on youtube and would you imagine that one good tune takes up to one week of production and it’s just 3 to 5 minutes?

Yeah man, production is really hard. Especially if you don’t want to produce garbage.

My brother tried to produce tracks in one day – the result? Nobody listens to those tracks. I produce joke tracks in 3 minutes – nobody listens to those tracks.

Music although short, it needs a lot of production time. Books, a typical book is 200-500 pages long. Producing one page takes 30 minutes. It’s the least. At least for me it is.

Do you imagine how long it takes to produce content? It’s easy when you don’t want to write a bestseller but what if you do want?

Writing Kas yra Garetas? Took me 10 nights but it was fun to write. Now I’m just exhausted. Have no mood to write. And no mood to consume unless it’s music.

The fun fact with music. It doesn’t require you to be active like reading books. When listening to music – you can wander as much as you want. You’ll still consume the piece.

Now I’m listening to this which house mix and write. It lets me do other things and this is important. While reading or listening to audiobooks doesn’t let you do anything else.

I kinda want to write books but I can’t, long format is way too hard for me. Writing this piece is like chill out, a meditative type of writing – I don’t care about quality of my blog posts. Because here I’m just writing out my thoughts. Whilst in books you have to have a solid scenario. Blog posts don’t require a scenario and this is superb.

Yeah I wanted to tell another thing about blog writing. Since English is not my native language. I feel great because blogging freestyle let’s me practice English. Did you notice that my English got better? And will get better.

I spend my time watching twitch, sometimes, and people use the talking in their vids and I remember what they talk and then I write it out. Life’s just a remix. Everybody’s remixing everything.

I’m kinda concerned about #Article13. Won’t it do any harm to my blog. I heard that you’ll have to pay for links if you put them in your blog. So guys no more links since now. I sure don’t want to rewrite my blog.

Talking about rewriting. Good authors rewrite their own shit. I personally didn’t like the rewriting part. I wasn’t rewriting Kas yra Garetas, nor Trys drambliai. I knew that these books won’t sell so I didn’t bother.

Everything in life would be so great and so awesome if not the fact that I have to earn money. The money aspect is killing all the creativity. Sure I should do some commercial stuff – but I don’t want to do any commerce. I hate persuading people to buy my stuff. I don’t care if i’ll have sales or if my blog is profitable. Because man I’m pursuing fun – I’m doing everything I can and what’s fun for me. Since working is a chore and it’s not fun – I don’t do it.

Why can’t life be profitable and fun both at the same time? Many people are disappointed with work. People hate work but still have to do it. I know that many people would love to chill out all day.

By the way. Let’s assume I’m doing this blog writing work for you to consume – so where’s my cash? Whenever I’m writing in my blog and not writing for somebody else – I just can’t earn the casherino.

My old employer told me that I should be a journalist because my worldview is different. But I don’t want to go to the university to learn journalism. Personally I care about less things than most people. People care about everything, even things I give zero shit about.

As you noticed most of my writing is off topic.

I don’t care even about this.

That said. I won’t write any new books not because I don’t want to write but because it’s too hard.