Back in the day, to be exact in 2012 and earlier. I was employed, I had a girlfriend, I wrote my first book, I had more friends.
Fast forward to now. I barely have any friends, I’m not employed, I have no girlfriend and I’m a nolifer.
This is how schizophrenia hit me. It hit me hard.
To note effects of schizophrenia. There’s apathy, fear, anxiety and other stuff.
But when I look at other people affected by this disease – man, I’m still lucky.
Although I don’t know when my symptoms will get worse. When my symptoms get worse all reality distorts. I’ve been in a distorted reality and it felt good.
Before my first psychosis I had no clue we might be living in the matrix, but after my first psychosis I’m convinced we are living in the matrix.
If reality wasn’t a chemical signal interpreted by my brain it couldn’t be distorted, so it appears there’s some signal going through my brain. Man it’s complicated, I can’t cover the details. Because I’m not a scientist.
But when reality distorts it becomes so strange. I’m sick with being sick with schizophrenia. I couldn’t imagined that such disease would strike seriously on my motivation. I feel so demotivated, I feel motivation just to write, but if I would want to do things like go to the gym, or to a the cinema, or to the theatre, or anywhere else I don’t want to do it. I just want to sit at home and write my blog.
This disease sucks because it raises the apathy. Apathy is like small depresion – you feel apathetic towards most things. Apathy is when you don’t have any mood. Depression is when you have a bad mood. As far as I know both depression and apathy are due to chemical imbalance in the brain.
It’s strange how the mood is affected by chemicals in the brain. It’s very strange. The other thing that makes me sad is social problem. I feel that many people misunderstand me and my jokes. Wouldn’t it be great to have recognition amongst people. As a social creature I need social validation, if people won’t validate me on my blog, this means I’m a white crow amongst black ones.
Anyway, schizophrenia sucks. I can assure you.
Some people tell me that schizophrenia is an advantage. Some people encourage me to go out and steal shit out of cars and from kids. Man this is stupid, why would I do that? Maybe I’m schizophrenic but sure I’m not a thief and a liar.